The rub comes in when one person in the relationship no longer wants to have sex and the other does. This is called desire discrepancy. One person may have lost his or her libido. One person may be holding onto deep seated resentment or has just become completely turned off by their partner. There are many ways desire discrepancy can creep into a relationship.
Desire discrepancy lives in silent desperation. Lying next to each other but feeling miles apart. This can happen for years for some couples.
The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives – Esther Perel
There are wonderful partnerships that are not sexual in nature. This is agreed upon by both individuals in the relationship. They include affection, touch, and companionship. What works here is that both individuals agree to a sexless relationship.
Problems begin to arise when there is desire discrepancy. When couples suffer in silence or when one partner has a real desire for an active sex life and the other simply does not.
Path forwards to consider
- Shift the model of the relationship
- Shift to a consensual non monogamous relationship
- Develop more fluidity around monogamy
I am a Sex, Love + Relationship coach. I teach high achieving women how to strengthen their relationships, overcome mindset roadblocks and increase their capacity for intimacy, love and sexual expression. Guaranteed. If you are ready to work with a life coach and drastically improve your life, I invite you to sign up for a free consult and learn more about 1:1 coaching. It is risk free. Please visit me at https://melissamcclaincoaching.com/consult/
Communication is key. We must feel safe and comfortable to communicate our true desires and needs. Holding in feelings and ignoring issues just festers and grows like a wildfire. It never goes away even if one is pretending and hoping that it will.
I personally experienced this in my own relationship. I wanted a sexier sex life. For various reasons my sex life with my husband just got off track with life. Work, family and the overall hustle and bustle of this human existence. It took a backseat to everything else. It became a normal thing for my husband to fall asleep on the couch because he cannot sleep without a TV, and I cannot sleep with one on. For a long time, I said nothing. I was in a space where I felt ok with this and the more time that went by, I was not turned on by him, so it seemed to work. I had a satisfying self-pleasure practice.
This ignorance of what happened in our relationship rooted its head. The more I worked on my mind, body and soul and got real about my wants, needs and desires, the more I knew I wanted a sexy sex life with my husband. I remember initiating sex and being ignored. I remember saying “should I go look for a boyfriend” and being ignored. When I started to dig deep with my desires and needs and started talking about it instead of living in silent personal shame, things started to shift.
Life is too short to settle for less than you desire.
I started educating myself on relationships and monogamy by reading books like The State of Affairs – Esther Perel and Mating in Captivity – Esther Perel. I coached myself and got coaching on what was happening in our relationship. I knew I didn’t want to lose my family. We were both were raised by single mothers, and we did not want to sign up to be a single parents. There were a lot of other things I did like about our relationship.
I wanted to relook at our relationship and make it open. I wanted to stay together, live together but have it be open so I could have a sexual relationship with someone else long term and so he could also have a sexual partner he wanted to have sex with if he chose to do that.
I was strong in my conviction of what I wanted, and I didn’t feel bad about it. So, I told him. I explained all of it. How I got there, how I felt rejected sexually over and over. How I am this beautiful sexual being and wanted more. I was not going to settle down for the next 40 years in a sexless relationship period. I was excited about the possibility of having 2 relationships. One for familial, partnership, travel, etc. and the other for a healthy sexy yummy sex life. A partner that I could love on and be loved on sexually and spoil. My heart was wide open to loving two.
So, what happened is interesting. He was devastated. He thought about this new lifestyle for us for a few days and ultimately decided it was not for him. There was no way he was going to be in an open relationship. He was crushed.
Sometimes you have to be leaving before your partner wakes up. All the things I wanted him to do like get his hormones checked, sleep in our bed, have an active juicy sex life started to happen. He went to take care of himself and learned he had low in testosterone. This is completely normal as we all age. He gets his hormone pellets every 3 months without fail and is a walking hard on – yeah! I also have my hormones checked every 3 months. We are both healthy and alive in our sexual desires.
He had to dive deep within to do what it took to save our family. He started changing because he wanted to. He all along was in love me, loves my pussy, loves having sex with me and just got off track. It happens. It is completely normal for this to happen in long term relationships.
Today we have a rockin sex life. We have really good sex multiple times a week. He can play me like a violin. He has become a masterful lover in the ability to slow down and hold his orgasm, so I always come first. He is masterful at giving me oral sex and pussy massage. I also gifted him this book by Ian Kerner – She Comes First. I personally believe that every man and women should read this book.
Sex is so much more than genital penetration. It’s all the outercourse vs intercourse that can change the trajectory of your sex life. You must be open and willing to experience it. You must be a giver and receiver of sex.
If this blog resonates with you, you are not alone. Sexless relationships are an epidemic. It is not uncommon. This is why there are so many affairs. This is why Ashley Madison exists and there are millions of people looking for love and sex outside of their marriages through that website and several others. People stay in relationships for various reasons.
You can turn your relationship around. You can save your marriage. You have to be able to be true to what you want and communicate.
You can stay where you are, or you can think about your relationship in a different way.
It’s like building a staircase between the upstairs and downstairs. Vulnerabilities and stories that exist in people’s minds live in the basement. Upstairs is the cognitive level. In a world of desires, the basement is where you can connect with yourself. Some people just live in the main floor of their lives, and they don’t understand or drop down into themselves.
This is where I can help you. I am a Sex, Love + Relationship coach. I teach high achieving women how to strengthen their relationships, overcome mindset roadblocks and increase their capacity for intimacy, love and sexual expression. Guaranteed. If you are ready to work with a life coach and drastically improve your life, I invite you to sign up for a free consult and learn more about 1:1 coaching. It is risk free. Please visit me at https://melissamcclaincoaching.com/consult/
You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are seen. You are always worth the investments you make in yourself. Choose you first. Always and forever.
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