Are you attaching securely in your relationships? Women show patterns of attachment to their romantic partners like the patterns of attachment of children with their parents. Adult attachment designates three main “attachment styles” or how we respond to intimacy in romantic relationships: Secure, Anxious and Avoidant.
Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually loving and warm. Anxious people crave intimacy and are often preoccupied with their relationships and worry of their partners ability to love them back. Avoidant people often think of intimacy as a loss of independence and minimize closeness.
I see myself as Anxious in a relationship. I love closeness, I love the security I feel with love, and I love amazing sex. However, earlier in my dating history I can think back and see myself trying to attach to Avoidants. I also confused sex with love. My heart would be completely broken, and I would try to attach more to the person who was pushing me away. I would think about that person all the time, reliving the stories I created in my mind on how I loved this person so much which would further plunge me into a downward spiral. Lots of sadness, heartache, feelings of unworthiness and insecurity. I was not raised in a home that had two parents modeling how relationships work. I stumbled often and got back up and repeated this pattern again and again.
I love understanding these attachment principles. They teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When your emotional needs are met, you usually turn your attention outward. The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.
This is what happened with me. When I met Mikal, my life partner, 14 years ago, he securely attached to me from date one. There were no games. This enabled me to securely attach to him. Its really that simple. We are dependent on each other and our family but so independent outside of our relationship. I have traveled to Cuba, Morocco, and many other places by myself yet meeting a group of women for yoga retreats. I am fearless in my endeavor’s and decisive about doing it. Mikal is the same. He has his own snowboarding hobby that he loves and travels solo as well.
Is your heart broken wide open? Do you feel like you make the same mistakes over and over in relationships? I can help you see how your thoughts about relationships are creating these results in your life. I am a Sex, Love and Relationship Coach. I teach smart driven women how to love themselves unconditionally, listen to their intuition and prioritize their emotional wellness. You can learn more about me and book a FREE discovery call here
When we feel secure, the world is our oyster. We take more risks; we are more creative, and we pursue our dreams.
The opposite of this is uncertainly of our partner. We do not know if we can depend on them in the tough times or feel safe. Not only is our emotional well-being sacrificed when we are in intimate partnerships with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our physical health.
If you want to be independent and happy in a relationship, find the right person to depend on. Understand the essence of attachment theory and you can begin to snuff out the Avoidants and move on quicker. Humans are going to be humans. We must let people be and do. We just do not have to be with them in intimate relationships because it hurts too fucking much. Love feels good. It does not hurt. If you are hurting and you think it’s love your doing it wrong.
7 Tips to Sharpen your Relationship Skills the Secure Way
- Express your needs and expectations in a direct, non-accusatory manner. People’s response to effective communication will help you determine if you are in a dead in relationship or it helps bring the relationship to a deeper level
- Listen to your intuition. She knows what is best for you
- Wear your heart on your sleeve. Be emotionally brave!
- Focus on your needs. Use verbs like I feel, I need, I want…
- Be specific in your communication. Your partner may not understand what you are trying to say if you are too general
- Don’t place blame. Never make your partner feel selfish, incompetent, or inadequate
- Be assertive and non-apologetic. Your relationship needs are valid!
When we break it all down, the priority for any relationship is with yourself. It’s the love and care you have for yourself that propels all other relationships you have in your life. Loving yourself unconditionally through all the mistakes is the healthiest way to grow.
I am a Sex, Love and Relationship Coach. A life coach helps you up level your life. When you work towards something or change something in your life you are up leveling. Together we work on your future vs being past focused.
You are beautiful. You are seen. You are enough. You are loveable. You are worth the investment in yourself.
I will always believe in you.
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